What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

But, we were locked up after school.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

Why do people think Justin Bieber is worse than Joseph Stalin?

One cannot live in the past .

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

Don't you think Democrats are so full of it stool softener and an enema couldn't help them?

She wouldn,t have been !

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

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So, i spoilt her more .

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

He knew the spot.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

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So whats the point in blame.

She found it foreign!.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

Especially a lifetime of it.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

She loved him until the end.

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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

Have you ever seen a woman having sex with a dog?

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

We all went to grammer schools

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

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Im still living with it.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

I said to her

Why did my ex move on so quickly?

We were not on the streets..

My life is so biszare .

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

How can I get a girlfriend? I am 26.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

As i do to all so called friends.?

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What did i know ?

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

I did it because my mum asked me too!

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

I waited trembling.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

I think the readers, may guess!

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

It was going to be , some day.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

I was scared of men, in general

I could never make a relationship work though!

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

She married twice! .

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

This is soul school!.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

Im dying but, im not bitter.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

(And it was in our own minds.)

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

I have no regrets .

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Put me off passion for life!!

Would this be the day?

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

All the time i was locked up.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

He was dying to do it , i knew.

But it wasn’t much.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

I never cut or harmed myself..

I don,t even have a pension.

I couldn’t, believe it.

Ive learnt so much.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

I was seconnd youngest,

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

My mum and dad in the seventies!

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

When she asked me how she looked .

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

I was 9 years of age.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

I know ,a lot about trauma.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

I will be 64.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

I write beautiful poetry .

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

I was very sick at this time too.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

Comes on , in middle age.

Was to survive, this bastard.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

But ive been too sick for many years..

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

He resisted the act ,that day.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

She was in good health!

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

Who then, do I blame.?

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

Why did i forgive my father ?

This is how, and why children get BPD.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

My family never makes their pension either.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

And who doesn’t know suffering?

And i lived it daily.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.